BREAKING: Philadelphia Experiences Rare Night of Peace With Only 15 Murders; Trump Resumes Rending Weapons to Ukraine with Shipment of Super Soakers; Brittney Griner Shares Grueling Story of How She Was Only Female Prisoner Putin Didn’t Want to Have Sex With; Female-Looking Robot Claims It Can Fix Him; Trump Pulls U.S Slutty European Coalition Too Late, Stuck In Expensive 18 Year Commitment; Chuck E. Cheese’s New Adult Arcade Just As Filthy and Disease-Ridden as Children’s Arcades; Wimbledon Player Defiantly Wears Cream White Instead of Eggshell White, Shocks Fans; Lee Greenwood Angers Fans With New Song That Doesn’t Mention America;