Only Way Out: Man Contemplates Suicide After Ending Up on Too Many Email Lists

NEWARK, NJ – Scrolling through hundreds of promotional emails that piled up during his vacation, local man Tommy DiSorbo stared contemplatively at a rope in his garage, slowly realizing that the only escape from the relentless stream of email lists might be the sweet release of death.

“I just can’t take it anymore,” DiSorbo mumbled, letting the rope slip through his fingers. “Fifteen percent off at Petco? I don’t have pets. A flash sale at Dave’s Discount Furniture? Where is that? And who the hell is Suzanne Vargas, running for Ward 5 City Council? Make it stop!”

As he searched online for instructions on tying a noose, DiSorbo briefly recalled the pride he felt at 15 when he got his first email address.

Now, 21 years later, that distant memory pales in comparison to the frustration of trying to unsubscribe from countless email lists, only to find himself on even more the following week.

DiSorbo snapped out of his thoughts when he heard his young daughter calling from the living room.

As he went to attend to her, another wave of despair hit him after receiving an Amazon notification for discounted high chairs.