Aaron Rodgers Excited to Wear Jersey That Matches Color of His Soul

PITTSBURGH, PA - After months of speculation, Aaron Rodgers officially signed a one-year contract with the Steelers worth up to $20 million.

Although his options were limited as he remains the NFL's oldest active player, Rodgers says he's excited to wear the Steelers' iconic black uniforms since they match the color of his soul.

"I'm just brimming with excitement," Rodgers said monotonally on the Pat McAfee Show. "Every time I stare deeply into that dark black jersey, I go into this trance where I imagine all the eternal suffering of every living creature throughout the epochs of time, and if all that collective pain could have been experienced by any other ecosystem in another galaxy." 

As Rodgers went on, it quickly became clear that years of intense psychedelic trips had altered his brain to a terrifying degree, and McAfee and his co-hosts worried that he might not be suited to lead an NFL team anymore.

At press time, Rodgers reportedly felt some doubt about joining the team when Head Coach Mike Tomlin led the first meeting in prayer, and none of his new teammates turned and bowed to him.