“THC Will Transform Your Children Into Satanic Shapeshifting Reptilian Communists” Warns Texas Lt. Governor

AUSTIN, TX - In an effort to push a bill that would ban THC in Texas, Republican Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick warned residents that he’s only trying to help prevent children from ingesting the dangerous substance and turning into satanic, shapeshifting reptilian communists.

“Do you know what’s in this?!” Patrick shouted at reporters during a press conference, holding up a bag of 10-milligram THC gummy bears. “Nobody knows! For all we know, THC is a deadly substance sent by aliens to take over civilization. In fact, when I was 15 years old, I saw one of my best friends eat a pot brownie. Right before my very eyes, he started convulsing and shapeshifting into this hideous, lizard-like creature. Then he looked up at the sky and said, ‘Hail Satan,’ before reciting the entire Communist Manifesto word for word. Do you want that to happen to your children? DO YOU?!”

Patrick then informed Texans that the manufacturers of THC products have a secret agenda to turn kids into cold-blooded, fly-eating lizards programmed to attack Christians and burn the American flag.

Meanwhile, in Dallas, Governor Greg Abbott visited Skyline High School to warn students about the dangers of THC, claiming that just one puff of the substance put him in a wheelchair for life in 11th grade.

“This stuff is no joke, kids,” he reportedly told Mr. Johnston’s physics class. “One day, you’re strutting down the hallways, feeling cool and cocky. Then, after class, you go behind the bleachers, smoke a doobie, and BAM—paralyzed for life. Does that sound like a good time?”

At press time, Lt. Governor Patrick was seen talking to a group of weevils, asking them to eat all the marijuana plants in Texas.