Columbia Commencement Speaker Encourages Graduates To Fulfill Their Dreams of Becoming Anarchists, Vandals, and Domestic Terrorists

NEW YORK, NY - Columbia University seniors took a rare break from protesting Wednesday morning to attend their graduation ceremony.

In an effort to motivate and inspire the graduating class, commencement speaker, University President Claire Shipman, reminded students that if they worked hard, they could fulfill their dreams of becoming world-famous anarchists, vandals, and domestic terrorists.

“I leave you with these words,” Shipman said. “As you go out into the real world, remember that the possibilities are endless. If you work hard, you too can have your reputation etched in history for firebombing a car dealership to stand up to billionaires, have your mugshot on Fox News for destroying a 500-year-old piece of art in the name of climate change, or inspire the world by launching a GoFundMe that raises millions of dollars on behalf of a convicted murderer.”

While the speech drew thunderous applause from the students—a rare moment of positive affirmation on campus—there was some confusion among groups of students who simultaneously chanted “Fuck the Jews,” “Save the planet,” and “Death to America” over one another.

At press time, Shipman was seen leading the graduates back to the main quad for one last protest, where a handful of new statues had been erected as a gift for the students to tear down.