“Don’t Do What I Did” Warns 104-Year-Old Man Who Wishes He Died 30 Years Ago

JUPITER, FL - They say age brings wrinkles to the skin, but wisdom to the soul. 

While most elderly people, especially those who live more than 100 years, are eager to share their advice on longevity, one man is doing his best to warn the next generation that old age is a curse and that they should do everything possible to experience an early death. 

“They said don’t smoke, don’t drink, exercise, and you’ll live forever,” 104-year-old Keith Baumgartner told The Gas Lamp. “So I did. Now l can’t die! I wish I kicked the can in 1985, right after I lost my third wife. That would’ve been a good enough run for me. I haven’t been able to go to the bathroom by myself in decades. I never have a clue what’s going on. And I’m so god damn tired of apple sauce! Some kill me pleaseeee!”

According to state records, Baumgartner has applied for assisted suicide 14 times over the past decade. Each time, his request has been denied thanks to young, bright-eyed nurses who revere the elderly and want them to live forever. 

At press time, Baumgartner reportedly learned about an impending doomsday event, which he was hopeful would end his suffering—Y2K.