Unpatriotic Disappointment Wonders What the Big Deal Is At July 4th Parade

REHOBETH BEACH, DE - Local America-hating 11-year-old Tommy Tillsdale spitefully protested having to sit and watch the local July 4th parade on his family's vacation by refusing to catch any candy and emphatically booing each passing contingent.

"Who are all these stupid old people and why are they throwing me candy?" Tommy shouted as VFW Post 3877, featuring some of America's last surviving World War II veterans, drove by. "Ooh wow, they fought in some wars. Big whoop! Freedom is gay, I want to go back to the beach."

"You take that back right now!" Tommy's dad shouted back as nearby families tried to enjoy the parade. "Freedom is not gay. You hear me, boy? Stand up right now and salute these heroes or so help me God I'll send you to Iraq!"

A few moments later, Tommy attempted to escalate his protests by collecting the candy tossed in his direction and hurling it back at the performers.

"Take this, faggots!" he hollered at the North Rehoboth High School marching band as he tried to hit band members in the eye with Dum-Dums.

At press time, Tommy was forcibly taken back home by his parents when he began to flash the Nazi salute to every passing group.