Charlie Kirk Quietly Nibbles on Crayon While Debating College Leftists

BERKELEY, CA - During the latest stop of his American Comeback Tour, Charlie Kirk visited the University of California, Berkeley, to spar with left-leaning students in a lively debate on the campus main quad.

As students and activists lined up to pose their questions, some noticed Kirk seemed preoccupied, rummaging through his backpack with a distracted air.

“Mr. Kirk, I’d like to ask about your stance on economic equity,” said sophomore Kiara Fahimi, as Kirk fished out a Dandelion Yellow crayon. “Your policy proposals often emphasize individual responsibility and market-based solutions. How do you reconcile that approach with structural barriers—like systemic racism, wealth inequality, and unequal access to healthcare and education—that prevent people from competing on a level playing field?”

“That’s an interesting question,” Kirk replied, snapping off the crayon’s tip with a decisive chomp. “Mmm, quite zesty… Oh, sorry! Um, look, I abhor racism in all its forms. I cherish all God’s children equally. Think of it like a box of crayons—64 vibrant shades, each one unique and, frankly, delicious as the one before. We should focus on giving every shade a fair shot at success, not guaranteeing identical outcomes.”

Remarkably, Kirk seemed to gain the upper hand in each exchange, largely because students were thrown off by the bizarre spectacle of a grown man nonchalantly munching crayon after crayon.

At press time, Kirk was spotted backstage at the UC Berkeley auditorium, sniffing markers with evident relish as he prepared for his next speech.