2nd-Place Cardinal Launches Investigation Into Papal Election Interference

THE VATICAN - As the world celebrates the installation of Pope Leo XIV, Cardinal Don Drumpf, who narrowly lost the papal election, is launching an investigation into possible election interference.

“I got more votes than any cardinal in the history of conclaves,” Cardinal Drumpf said in a press conference Friday morning. “It doesn’t make any sense. There were a lot of mail-in ballots that came in overnight. And why was it over so quickly? These conclaves usually take days, if not weeks.”

Standing beside Cardinal Drumpf was one of his closest advisers, Cardinal Rudolfo Giuliani – a third cousin of the former New York City mayor and 2020 election denier, Rudy Giuliani. 

According to Cardinal Giuliani, their team has “mountains” of evidence that proves the conclave was rigged and that they will release very soon. The duo has also filed lawsuits in battleground archdioceses across the world – including Rome, Buenos Aires, and Chicago. 

At press time, Vatican authorities found a laptop that belonged to one of Pope Leo’s altar boys, Hunter, containing evidence of collusion with the archdiocese of Kyiv and pictures of him smoking incense with nuns.