Republicans And Democrats Agree To Ban Women From Women’s Sports

WASHINGTON, D.C. - As the debate around whether transgender women should be allowed to compete in women’s sports continues, congressional Republicans and Democrats came together in a rare moment of bipartisanship with a new bill that would ban women from women’s sports.

“We were all scratching our heads, wondering why we hadn’t thought of it before,” Senator Ted Cruz told The Gas Lamp. “We don’t want to watch women play sports anyway, so why not let biological men play. Then we thought, why not let only men play? It would be a hell of a lot more fun to watch, and it’s exactly what the Democrats want too.”

The new agreement comes just a few weeks after President Trump signed an executive order banning transgender women from competing in women’s sports and threatened to withhold federal funding from states that defied his orders. 

Despite the bipartisan agreement, President Trump is reportedly standing by his original plan and lobbying on-the-fence Republicans to vote against the bill.

“I understand where they’re coming from,” Trump said in a press conference on Monday. “But I explained a very important principle to them. I call it the ‘Volleyball Paradox’. Just because the sport may not be that interesting doesn’t mean it’s not worth watching, if you know what I mean. Those volleyball girls are something else, and I’d rather see a bulge in the back than a bulge in the front.” 

At publishing time, some Republicans were reportedly considering voting against the new bill when Democrats added a last-minute amendment to replace the Lingerie Football League with a Twinks In Speedos Football League.