Shotgun-Wielding Trump Pressures Massie Not To Hurt His “Big, Beautiful” Tax Bill

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Wielding a shotgun and sporting a tattered pair of overalls, President Trump barged into the Cannon House Office Building Tuesday afternoon and pressured Rep. Thomas Massie not to hurt his “big, beautiful” tax cuts bill at this week’s vote.

“You better not hurt my baby girl, ya hear?!” Trump shouted at Thomas Massie while the bill was trying on its dress. “She’s big and beautiful and deserves someone to dance with, just like all the other skinny girls.”

“Ye- Yessir!” Massie responded as he nervously backed down the hallway. “I’ll take good care of her, and I swear to help her pass by 10 p.m. sharp. You have my word.”

Shortly after the encounter, Massie ran to a flower shop on K Street to buy a corsage. Unfortunately, the flower shop didn’t have anything that would fit around an 8.5-by-11-inch arm, prompting Massie to figure out a creative way to avoid further pressure from the bill’s father.

With limited options and not much time, Massie hastily bought three congressional votes and a $50 gift card to Cheesecake Factory for the bill.

At press time, Massie was seen practicing making out with a pillow in a storage closet.