Sources Reveal Auto-Pen Allegedly Responsible For Shitting Biden’s Pants

WASHINGTON, D.C. — CNN host Jake Tapper has uncovered what he claims is a coordinated cover-up of President Biden’s cognitive decline by doctors and White House staff in his new book, Original Sin.

The book details the lengths to which the administration allegedly went to conceal Biden’s purported mental state from the American public. One anonymous staffer claims that Biden’s auto-pen played a significant role in keeping the president out of the spotlight to prevent embarrassing gaffes.

“Everyone now knows that President Biden used an auto-pen to sign numerous critical documents,” the excerpt states. “But it went further than that. On days with multiple public appearances, the auto-pen was allegedly fitted with a brown marker and used to scribble lines on the back of his underwear. Later in the day when he visited the bathroom, he would see the brown stains and believe he had soiled himself. Jill or an intern would then intervene, pretending to help clean him up, after which we would cancel the rest of his public appearances for the day.”

According to the source, Biden’s team employed this tactic nearly every day toward the end of his term, and he seemed completely aloof to the plot, completely forgetting that the same thing happened the day before.

At press time, DOGE reportedly uncovered receipts corroborating the story, revealing that the Biden White House spent nearly $30,000 on new underwear in 2023 alone.